Lying to yourself is something I’ve struggled with for a long time. There have been moments when I believed that if no one saw me eating something, then it didn’t really count, or if I didn’t log all of my food intake in a diary, I could pretend I hadn’t eaten it. It was a form of self-deception that allowed me to avoid facing the harsh reality of my unhealthy eating habits.
I remember those nights when I would eat over my daily calorie limit and convince myself that it was okay, that I could just start fresh another day. But deep down, I knew I was lying to myself. I didn’t always log all my food daily, and then I wondered why I wasn’t losing weight. It felt like I had no control over my own actions, as if I were watching someone else make choices for me.
One vivid memory stands out: it was midnight, and I found myself in front of the open refrigerator, making three enormous bacon and cheese sandwiches. I grabbed a bag of chips to go with them. It was as if I were watching a movie of someone else’s life, and I couldn’t stop it. That inner fat man, as I called it, seemed to take over, and my self-control vanished.
This battle with self-deception and overeating had been going on for over 40 years. It was a constant cycle of dieting, failing, and giving in to that inner demon. I felt like I was trapped inside my own body, helpless to control my own actions. It was a real illness, the mental grip of obesity, and it haunted me for decades.
Overcoming this problem has been a long and challenging journey. Even now, there are moments when I feel that inner fat man trying to take control again. It’s a lifelong learning curve, filled with moments of self-reflection, seeking support, and developing strategies to manage those triggers and impulses. The pit in my stomach, that feeling of sickness, serves as a reminder of the very real battle I’ve fought and continue to fight against self-deception and unhealthy eating habits.